RAGE!!!!
Since my daughter, SME, has decided to go public on this part of her life, I feel free to vent my feelings on this subject. Please check out her excellent post on pedophilia titled: A Difficult Issue, at www.blueapples85.blogspot.com.
About a year ago, SME told us that she had been molested by a family friend. I instantly felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach! Bile rose in my throat. My hand clutched the phone in a death grip. All the blood drained from my head, and I came close to passing out.
WHO? Images of everyone who had EVER come in contact with my child flooded my brain.
BILLY. You weak, feeble, SON-OF-A-BITCH!!
HOW? No penetration; thank God! Fondling my innocent, gentle little girl...what sense of entitlement made you do this, you ASSHOLE!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US? She didn't understand what was happening, at the time it happened. Confusion, shame, fear of our reaction.
Questions whirled around in my head; there were no answers. Bottom line....we failed to protect our baby girl!! I'M GONNA KILL THAT FUCKER!!!
Billy was the husband of my co-worker. We would get together. every couple of weeks, to play boardgames. Billy was a Vietnam veteran. He suffered from flashbacks and was inconsolable about having killed children in Vietnam. Billy was an alcoholic and a heavy marijuana user. L frequently dragged Billy out of neighborhood bars and brought him to our house to sober up. About a year after we met him, Billy went to AA and sobered up.
We were friends with Billy for 2 years. Then his marriage broke up. We remained friends with his wife for 2 more years; until her promiscuous lifestyle became too much for us. SME was 4 when we met him and 6 when he was out of our lives forever; or so I thought. We're not sure if it was the drunk or the sober Billy that molested our daughter. Does it matter?
How could this have happened? We were ALWAYS in the house when Billy was molesting SME. Her bedroom was next to the bathroom. He would go in her room, after we had put her to bed. We thought he was in the bathroom. Billy would read to SME, or set her on his lap at the kitchen table. The sick bastard was fondling her right in front of us!! Imagine how confusing this is to a 5 yr old child. I HATE you for this, you SICK FUCK!!
We had absolutely NO CLUE that this was going on. Were there signs? Not that I know of. His family is well respected in our community. Billy loved children, and was an irresponsible, big kid himself. I broke up numerous physical fights between he and his wife. It was ALWAYS his wife doing the hitting. Billy would just helplessly try to restrain her. In retrospect, the only sign we had was that our dog didn't like Billy. We always said that Buddy was a good judge of character. We should have listened to him. Buddy HAD to know what was going on; he always slept in the doorway of SME's bedroom. Also, about this time, SME became less cuddly and huggy. We just thought this was a sign she was growing up and trying to be a big girl. Could this have been a sign?
I'm trying to deal with my rage over this betrayal. I'm thankful that I haven't run into Billy since I found out what he's done. I don't trust myself to get within 10 feet of the sorry son-of-a-bitch. Serving time in prison for killing or maiming him would destroy my family. SME doesn't want to press charges. I don't know if she'd be believed in court anyway. This happened over 20 yrs ago and we have no proof.
How do we protect our children from molestation when it happens right under our noses? How do we recognize the predators?
posted by tshsmom @ 7:10 PM
29 comments
29 Comments:
I don't know what you should do. It's a scary thing - and one that I am worried about too. Would I recognize a change in my daughters? Would they tell me if something happened? I have talked with them both and they know that no matter what they need to tell me if anything happens - but it is hard for a kid to do that. Sometimes they're not sure it's bad or sometimes they feel like it's their fault. Or maybe they don't want to get anyone in 'trouble'.
It's a tough thing and I'm sorry that it happened. Be there for your daughter - the outrage that you feel toward the perpetrator is a good thing. It's a good thing for her to see.
As tshsmom's husband and SME's dad, I'm morally and rightfully obligated to comment...because of the subject involved and the length of my comments, I'm going to break from my humorous posts to post at my site...ONLY if you wish to read my comments should you go there...it will be my one and only break from my normal posts.
Sorry, baby, just couldn't read this post till the end. Some things hurts to much even to read about.
Sick fuckers.
How can anyone scar someone for life like that???
I read your post last night, but I didn't know what to say. I can only imagine what you're going through, though, because I would not hesitate to hurt anyone who hurt my son like that.
I wish there was a way to tell. I wish there was a chart that you could consult, telling you what child molestors look like and act like and do for a living. But the truth is - most of these people are WALLPAPER. You'd never guess. The same goes for victims; some, like a few girls I grew up with, stand out like sore thumbs. Then there are those, like myself and my friends, have some problems but don't necessarily scream "sex abuse victim". How can anyone possibly be blamed for not seeing it right in front of them? Molesters are the sneakiest people going; they seduce entire families, not just kids. And I'm convinced that 90% know how to get away with it.
I know this is hard for you because you haven't had the time to deal with it I have, but the one thing you need to ALWAYS remember is NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT TO ANY DEGREE. You were doing the right things! Like I said, No good deed goes unpunished, right?
BTW, I'm reading this as a radio host is arguing that pedophilia IS more common in the Catholic Church than in, say, Judaism. And a woman called in to say he's saying "all priests are pedophiles". When the hell are people gonna learn? When there's a problem, you deal with it! Quit denying it!
SME, I don't tell you often enough what a truly INCREDIBLE woman you are!! We LOVE you sweetie!!
What a sick BASTARD! I cannot express my horror eloquently enough. :o(
I'm so sorry this happened to your family. I don't know what to say.
I don't wish to go into my background with this, but trust me when I say, pedofiles never stop until someone stops them. Even though you have no proof, SME needs to inform police in his town of what has happened, just to have a record of it. He is likely still doing this. Sooner or later, someone will come forward with enough proof to put him away, or will have just a little proof and need the records of other victims to help prosecute. Every day you don't do something is another day he's free to find another victim. I really hope he's not in a career where he comes into contact with children.
I felt your rage while reading this, tshsmom. I have no idea what to say, as I had no idea what to say when I read SME's post about it, other than I am just so sad about the whole thing. And I'm sorry, because NO ONE deserves this, EVER, AT ALL.
Know that the only person to blame here is Billy. I mean, I guess the only thing to do is to put children through some sort of training class like adult women are encouraged to do to prevent rape. The only problem with that, is that it puts the onus on the parents and children to prevent something that they should never have to deal with and makes the perpetrators seem less guilty.
One person I know was actually removed from her family because her mother chose to stay with the step-dad who molested her daughter. What message of entitlement does that send?
You're doing the right thing now, working through it together, and knowing it's not your fault.
>:D< hugs
Ouch! I have my own history, vicitimized by numrous people in numerous locations as I moved around. I was tortured by one perpetrator. I'd like some feedback on how applicable my strategy is to other people.
When a child is too young to understand the mores involved with touch of different parts of their body, I think parents need to react carefully, if discovered at the time. The perpetrator needs to immediately enter the criminal justice system, of course.
If possible, though, a little non-chalance from the protective adults can be a blessing. The child does not necessarily know that what has happened is wrong. Protecting them from that realization can help avoid some of the guilt and self-blame.
One of the types of perp least likely to get caught is another, older child. The older child learned how to play that way somehow, unless it is just a brief exchange of peeps at the other sexes genitals; that is usually shy, swift, and without physical contact.
My parents did a good job with me. They told me that if anyone said, "Don't tell your parents," I was to go to them immediately. They told me that no one could hurt them, so if someone said not to tell or they would be hurt, I should go to them immediately. They warned me about blackmail. If someone said they would tell on me for something if I didn't do what they wanted, I was to go immediately to them. They made it clear that whatever I had done, they would support me completely against a blackmailer. Unfortunately, other than "don't take candy from strangers," they did not know the initial MOs used by pedophiles.
SME, and anyone else, there is one, deep most horrible secret. It is far, far worse if you know that whatt happened ws bad. Some of it might have felt good, and not seem so bad. Very little children touch themselves because it feels good. Sometimes a molester will touch you in a way that feels good.
If this is true in your case, I am sorry for "outing you." I am only partly sorry, though. Your family needs to know this might have been the case, and that it doesn't make you a bad girl. You were not sexually depraved if you enjoyed a certain part of the touch. Also, I am trying to spare you a bit of psychotherapy time. It takes people a long time to speak of this or truly face it without feeling self-revulsion.
It's okay if you liked it. In fact, one of the reasons child abuse can cause suffering is because it happens before most of learn how to have an orgasm. The child can become sexually aroused, but have no way of releiving the tension. That is sometimes both a nice and an awful state of mind. It is not uncommon to feel a little sick in the hours and day or two that follow.
If none of this applies to you, well, y'all just got a tour of skeletons in my closet.
I've been back a few times and it's taken me this long to comment because I don't know what to say. I still don't, but I just want to let you know that you all are in my thoughts.
It's great that you are such a loving family and support each other so much.
This is off topic, but somebody better prepare "Buddha"; I just say Tammy Fay on Larry King, and she's not doing well. Cancer has spread to her lungs.
Oops. I "saw" her.
You're BAD!
No, I'm serious! He'll be heartbroken! Don't you CARE?!
You forget that he's dying of cancer too, albeit VERY slllowwwllly.
Hmm, come to think of it, they have a lot in common. Maybe it was a match made in heaven that never came to pass...
On the positive side, she finally found some kinda industrial-strength mascara that doesn't run much at all! Quite amazing!(NOW I'm being bad, hehhehheh)
I just lost the comment I left. I just wanted to say I'm sorry I came so late to this post. Sorry for your whole family, hon. And SME, you do sound like one heck of a wonderful woman!
She is Squirl! Even if she is cruelly ridiculing Tammy Faye right now. ;)
Oh, like I was the only person ridiculing Tammy Faye right then! Do you know how many people watch Larry King? Heehee.
I wanted to thank everyone who posted here for their support and understanding. I know so many of you have had similar experiences and it's terrific that we can share and be compassionate.
Thanks so much for commenting Dixie! Being betrayed by a family member has to be worse than our situation. At least we all stand together for moral support and love.
SME and I are ALWAYS available shoulders too. I wish with all my heart that you and SME weren't in this "sisterhood", but it does help to know you're not alone.
Geeze.
I can't even begin to imagine what kind of shock and rage you felt when you wrote this. I can pretend to wear your shoes and I can certainly empathize but I don't think anyone, unless they've gone through it, can know what you're feeling.
My mom was molested early in childhood, too.
I know what she went through and I've seen the side effects.
Thank God SME has you two for parents.
Statistics show us that all too often, women who have sexual molestation in their past, wind up in disfunctional relationships and have little to know self esteem.
Poor SME.
Poor Mom and Dad
Poor Buddy
Get Billy!!
Thanks Sadie! My biggest regret is that SME had to pull herself out of this psychological nightmare. We're thanking God that she didn't turn to promiscuity and drugs/alcohol as so many victims do!
Oh my God. I was just passing by, haven't even looked at my blog yet, and saw this.
If I were running the country, killing a child molester would be temporary insanity and thrown out of court. If someone molested Junior, I'd gut him and watch him die, and have no remorse whatsoever. Then we'd figure out what to do with the body.
You all have my deepest condolenses.
Oh, always listen to dogs. They know who is good and evil. I really believe there is good and evil in this world.
You and your entire family will be in my prayers tonight.
Thanks ZS, that means a lot to us!
After spending quite a bit of time in your archives it appears I should have been keeping up with the recent posts. Having a wife who was molested as a child I have seen first hand some of it's effects.
Even so, I cannot even begin to imagine the "RAGE" you must have been feeling. I have 3 boys myself and do believe that if someone did such a thing to them it would be the only act that would drive me to murder someone.
That is amazing how dogs seem to have the sense of people, and that protection instict. I knew there was a reason I always liked dogs.
I don't understand how these monsters can do such a thing to a child. If it was up to me I would have some very creative ways to punish these freaks. It is way to much to post here but 30 min alone in a locked room with the parents of the child would be the start, and if you survived that it would only get more interesting.
OK, enough with the rant, thsmom I am truly sorry to hear that your family has had to deal with this. No family should have to endure this.
SME, you are amazing for having endured and come out with what happened to you. Stay strong, for you have triumphed in the face of this adversity.
Thanks Truth!
I'm so sorry that your wife and family have had to suffer through this experience too. I don't think statistics give an accurate measure of how many people have been molested. It looks like we're becoming a tragic majority.
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