Thursday, November 29, 2007

No "me time" for ME!

After much thought, I've decided that I don't want "me time". I've had far too much time to be alone with my thoughts. I need to share my thoughts. I need US time.

I finally figured out what's wrong with my relationship right now. We've spent the past 30 years putting ourselves on hold, so our children would have a stable home. Our kids have NEVER been to daycare; we don't believe in it. They're OUR kids; WE will raise them!

With both of us working full-time, this hasn't been easy. I work days, L works nights. For several years we didn't even have the same days off. After 30 years, we've become like 2 roommates sharing a house. Our conversations involve things that need fixing in the house, and the insanity that surrounds us at work.

I fear that we really don't know each other anymore. The biggest thing that needs fixing in our household is US! We're trying, but it's a s-l-o-w process. I fear that we don't have enough years left in our lives to ever completely fix this.

31 Comments:

At 11/29/2007 8:00 PM, Blogger Hammer said...

I think a lot of people go through something similar. After a while some kind of sacrifice has to be made if the relationship is to be fixed.

I hope you are able to find happiness and security in this crazy world.

 
At 11/29/2007 8:14 PM, Blogger tshsmom said...

Thanks Hammer!
I think we need to start courting each other all over again.

 
At 11/29/2007 10:29 PM, Blogger Sonja said...

At least you're noticing before one of you is off messing around with someone else!
You've figured out what the problem is, and that's a huge step toward solving it - don't give up!.

 
At 11/30/2007 12:34 AM, Blogger MonicaR said...

I'm telling ya - living and raising kids sure puts the kibosh on a marriage relationship. It's hard. Your kids are getting older now - it's the right time. Let me know how it goes because I have a good 7 years to go before we'll have the time. lol.

 
At 11/30/2007 9:20 AM, Blogger tweetey30 said...

I am not even sure how long we have before we can start if we are to do it. But its a great idea to start dating again. Good luck and hope it works. A movie and dinner once a week in the plan. I wish Jeff and I could dump the kids at the neighbors and do that once in a while. Well keep us posted on how it works out.

 
At 11/30/2007 1:00 PM, Blogger Gardenia said...

Yep - it happens. "H" & I talk about even less than you folks, yet we continue on like two ghosts with no substance as far as each other is concerned. It takes lots of work on both people's parts to bring it together again - and the hardest part is because of all the years, "it" is not the same as "it" was in the beginning and there is no roadmap on how to get there or how to recognize "it" if you do get there.

I guess this is where the commitment comes in - to stay and find a way, huh?

 
At 11/30/2007 1:51 PM, Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

The word "fix" implies that something will never have problems. What an impossible standard for any relationship, if you don't mind me saying. But you and L are committed, so it is not so far-fetched to think that things could change, especially if you both want change. I hope you're able to find the "us" time that you guys need. :-)

 
At 11/30/2007 6:31 PM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

One thing that Mrs. Z's girlfriend told her that's very important - have a "date" once a week. If we're broke, that means hitting the bookstores together and reading books but not buying anything. Or hiking together. Or just walking.

If we have money, we go out to dinner or a movie or both.

 
At 11/30/2007 6:43 PM, Blogger Z-kid said...

I'm all for it, if it ends this. I'M LOSING MY MIND! :S

Trying to stay out of depression while simulatneously keeping four other people out of it is not fun times. :P

 
At 11/30/2007 7:28 PM, Blogger Squirl said...

Yeah, you guys have been working so hard for soooo many years. Maybe it can be fun for you though. I'm sure it would be hard to put your projects on hold, but maybe date night on a regular basis would be nice.

Good luck to you guys. You've sacrificed a lot for your kids. I hope you have a good time getting back to "both of you time".

 
At 11/30/2007 8:36 PM, Blogger Jeannie said...

I feel much the same way most of the time - except what we talk about is usually business related

 
At 11/30/2007 10:44 PM, Blogger Vancouver Voyeur said...

If you still love each other and still like each other as people, you can do it! My sister Pat asked for your e-mail address. I think she's still having trouble posting to your blog. I hope it was okay to give her your e-mail.

 
At 11/30/2007 10:45 PM, Blogger Candace said...

MuNKi and I were headed in that direction in CA, which is why I wanted to move away from there. Like you, we don't believe in daycare -- we raise our own kids. Lately we've made sure to carve out time for us even if the kids are watching a movie upstairs or something (we keep late hours here.) But like Mad-Eye Moody, I find that CONSTANT VIGILANCE is required to keep a marriage from going on autopilot. ^_^

Now we go on a "date" one night a week, which actually means that we slip of to the video rental store and pick up a movie for the kids and one for ourselves. Then we hit Kroger for ice cream and come home and slop the hogs --- I mean enjoy some ice cream with the kids -- and send them upstairs wiht a laptop and their move while we snuggle up on the couch to watch ours and then go and enjoy each other's company a little more - erm - intimately. ^_^ Of course all that can happen anytime, but the slipping off to get the movie together happens once a week just to give us breathing room. :-)

 
At 12/01/2007 12:33 PM, Blogger Beach Blonde said...

((((hugs)))) Glad that your excellent analytical brain and skills are working fine, Tshsmom. Time to take care of you and each other.

As Sonja said, the timing is everything.

Best to you always, Sista!

 
At 12/01/2007 12:34 PM, Blogger Beach Blonde said...

Wish I could wave a magic wand and help there, Tshsmom. Thank God for your excellent analytical abilities and wisdom. Courting is a great idea, helping you appreciate each other and taking time to do it.

Time for love. Your own love.

 
At 12/01/2007 2:00 PM, Blogger tshsmom said...

Sonja, VERY true!

Monica, LOL! I'll take notes for you. ;)

Tweets, it's kinda tough to go on a date when we're rarely off work at the same time. :(

Gardenia, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! It took both of us to get into this mess. It'll take BOTH of us to get out of it!

Notta, it should be easier to find "us time" in the winter. Work is easier and we aren't working on any major projects.

ZS, I'd be happy with a family game night.

Z, I'm sorry!
If you'd finish cleaning your room, it would take a HUGE load off my mind!
What 4 people?

Squirl. that's EXACTLY what we need to do; find time to have FUN together!

Jeannie, maddening, isn't it? WHERE'S the romance?

VV, I'm certain we can do it. We just need to unlearn some bad habits that we've acquired over the years.
No problem! I LOVE chatting with Pat; we have so much in common! She really needs a blog. ;)
I had to disable anonymous commenters because of our troll. I think that's why she can't comment. Sorry about that Pat. :(

Candace, the couch is what made me realize how far down our relationship had sunk. We bought a LaZboy couch, 2 yrs ago, just so we could cuddle up and watch movies together. We still haven't sat on that couch together, much less cuddled. :(

Thanks BB!!
I told him that if he'd treated me this way during our courtship, he'd still be single!
Love ya sista!(Don't forget your password this time!)

 
At 12/01/2007 2:14 PM, Blogger SME said...

You've got a lot working in your favor - Z's at an age where he doesn't need constant supervision/attention, you have 30+ years invested in your relationship already (I'd say that's a head start!), and you're not both tied up in outside interests like bowling or partying that will distract you from being together. I'm betting a LOT of people are in this exact position after devoting their time and energy to raising kids together, so maybe it's a change/phase that couples just have to go through - like menopause for marriage.

 
At 12/01/2007 2:37 PM, Blogger tshsmom said...

SME, I KNOW you're right!
I think everybody that's in a long-term relationship gets to the point where we're overly comfortable with each other. That's when we start taking each other for granted. Then the resentment starts building up.
It doesn't bother Dad. He's always been happy in his own little comfort zone. I'm the one who starts feeling like a used-up old drudge. :(

 
At 12/01/2007 2:47 PM, Blogger Z-kid said...

Yeah, 4 people. More like 2, now, but still. :P

I heard somewhere that most men DO enjoy that kind of comfort and security. Interesting...

"We bought a LaZboy couch, 2 yrs ago, just so we could cuddle up and watch movies together." LALALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING LALALALA! :P

 
At 12/01/2007 3:12 PM, Blogger Cherie said...

I understand. I do.

I like SME's comparison - marital menopause. Good one. And like menopause the emotions go up and down and what is temporary feels permanent and what is permanent seems distant and blurry.

Back to basics right? That's what Tom and I look for when we get all knotted up in the 'stuff' of life and lose track of each other. Square one. Sometimes it takes a while to refocus. But it can be done.

You aren't a used up old drudge any more than I am. But I do feel that way sometimes, too. USED UP. And yet, I keep going, and giving, and huh, well, look at that - there's still more fire and use in the old gal. ;)

I agree with Sonja: don't give up. And don't give in.

Courting each other again - a great idea!

 
At 12/01/2007 11:01 PM, Blogger SME said...

I agree with Cherie. Take some "you" time for both of you together. But remember that Dad's a total introvert (like me) and be patient with him...takes us awhile to get things, sometimes. :)

And about the loveseat - LALALALALALA. ;P

 
At 12/02/2007 7:43 AM, Blogger tshsmom said...

Z, you're a wise young man! YOU research things. Yes, that is a male trait. Do you have any clues how I can overcome it?

Lalala...you can always hide in your room...a MAYBE finish cleaning it! ;)

Cherie, SME'S a wise one alright. We done good with her!
Back to basics is the only way to go. We NEED to examine what attracted us to each other in the first place, and refresh that bond. My biggest obstacle is convincing L that this isn't silly.

SME, I've been patient for 30 years. I need some action on his part. I don't have another 30 years left to fix this!

Lalalal...I seem to remember 2 people making out in our driveway last summer! THEIR teenagers thought THEY were gross too. ;)
"What goes around, comes around."

 
At 12/02/2007 1:09 PM, Blogger Cherie said...

I'm getting quite a chuckle out of the LALALALA's....

Healthy families laugh together - you guys are terrific.

 
At 12/02/2007 4:57 PM, Blogger SME said...

I know it! ;D
Demi: "EW! Stop it! Stopitstopitstopit!"

I don't mean be patient to the point of not doing anything - you'll have to nudge, obviously. ;)

 
At 12/02/2007 5:07 PM, Blogger tshsmom said...

Cherie, lalalas are a family joke from back when SME was a teen.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! I don't know if we're healthy, or mildly insane. ;)

SME, stopitstopitstopit
Just in case you guys were thinking of doing anything. ;)

 
At 12/02/2007 9:18 PM, Blogger Cherie said...

Healthy - mildly insane. Same thing.

;)

 
At 12/03/2007 7:36 PM, Blogger DirtCrashr said...

Good luck and stay in love!

 
At 12/04/2007 12:41 PM, Blogger Casdok said...

Good on you!

 
At 12/04/2007 5:32 PM, Blogger tshsmom said...

Cherie, that works for me! ;)

DC, it wouldn't be a problem is we didn't love each other so damned much.

Casdok, THANKS! I see from your blog that we share a few challenges. ;)

 
At 12/06/2007 11:28 PM, Blogger Brenda said...

I remember my mom and dad stumbling around the house trying to get into a routine after they retired. We asked them "what did you used to do before you had us?" They told us, "We don't remember." And now? They have found their groove and get along wonderfully. It's just different!

 
At 12/07/2007 7:47 PM, Blogger tshsmom said...

Brenda, it IS hard to remember a time without kids. ;)

 

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