STAGNANT

I feel like one of those small ponds that you encounter in the woods. There's always a layer of green slime growing on top because nothing ever leaves or enters the pond, except when it rains. That's how my brain feels. I feel trapped, with no inlet or outlet for my feelings. This year, the only time anything fresh enters my brain is when another disaster hits us. Then, for a short time, my brain kicks into overdrive to solve the problem. After the crisis passes, my brain returns to stagnation.

Nothing flows easily from my brain anymore. I've just spent the last half hour writing ONE stinking paragraph. I have thousands of ideas flowing through my brain, but they just get trapped there. While I'm at work, a great idea for a post will pop into my head. I jot down some thoughts, fully intending to write a blog post when I get home. Then I get home, turn on the computer, hit the "New Post" button, and....NOTHING! The blank page before me somehow overwhelms me. This must stop!

Our internet service hasn't helped my writer's block either. We have very few high-speed DSL moments at our house. Most days we're either running at dial-up speed, or the service keeps kicking off and on repeatedly, or both. I've lost several blog posts this way. My phone company buddies and I have been s-l-o-w-l-y trying to fix the problem. This week they switched us over to a new line at the "junction shack" for our area. The service isn't kicking off as often, but we're still having speed problems. Personally, I think the problem is with the Siemans modem/wireless router the phone company uses. L had nothing but problems with his Siemans hearing aids. The guys, however, say that they haven't had any problems with the modem model we're using....time will tell.

I've spent the summer hiding in books and old movies. Sorta like comfort food for the brain... nothing nutritious, just empty calories. I think our shitty summer weather had a lot to do with this. I've been enjoying the cool temps, but the rain is something else. This week is the first rain-free week we've had all summer! Maybe the change in weather will loosen the sludge from my brain?

I've also spent a LOT of time in self-examination. My parents' descent into self-absorbed dementia has forced me to backtrack through my life's experiences to discover what makes me tick. I've made this journey with the help of my cousin J, our longtime(45 yrs) family friend Sandy, my 36-yr-old-son-I-didn't-give-birth-to Troy, and my loving daughter SME. It helps to bounce my thoughts off people who know my story from the beginning, especially J, who has known my parents longer than I have.

My journey of self-discovery has led me to the revelation that I NEED to re-invent myself. I NEED to find some joy in my life and stop surviving on the day-to-day drudgery of my existence. I NEED some FUN! How will I accomplish this? I'm not really sure. The one thing I do know is that I need to start writing here more often. I highly value my blog-friends' opinions and encouragement!!

I really think that the first thing I need to do is post the final installment of my ordeal with my Dad's colon surgery. This will bring everybody up to speed on what's happening in my life now. Posting that story should also help free my mind of a lot of the rubble that's been accumulating there...hopefully.

Once past that hurdle, I need to return to writing some more light-hearted posts. We actually do have a few GOOD things happening in our lives! I'd also like to share a ton of recipes and strategies for surviving on a dwindling budget in our economy.

I also have a lot of rants about the economy and work floating around in my brain. Writing about them is my therapy. On with the healing!!