Tuesday, October 06, 2009


I found out about this yesterday.

Pam and Allen were friends of mine. I'd been friends with Allen through his divorce from his first wife, over 25 years ago. Shortly after his divorce, Allen moved to the metro area to start a new life. That's where he met Pam and brought her home to meet everybody. I instantly liked Pam and hoped they would have a long, happy life together. As the years passed, I grew to like Pam more and more.

How could we have not recognized Allen as an abuser?! Allen loved to tease and joke around. We were always trading barbs with each other. I've known several abusive men and Allen just didn't fit the profile.

Pam was a tall, feisty, intelligent woman. She always managed to keep Allen on his toes with her wit. I never suspected that Pam would tolerate abuse from ANYONE! She just wasn't the type.

How could I have been so WRONG?! I can still hear their voices. This haunts me. When we lose friends to accident or disease, we have a hole in our lives. We fill this hole with happy memories of our time together. My memories of these friends will always be overshadowed by the reality of the hell Allen created for his family for over 20 years.

My heart aches for their son. I pray that he will get the counseling and love that he'll need to overcome this tragedy that has occupied so much of his life.


At 10/07/2009 4:18 AM, Blogger mister anchovy said...

That is so sad and so scary.

At 10/07/2009 4:52 AM, Blogger Jeannie said...

How horrible! It really sounds like this woman had it together - if she couldn't get out alive then authorities really do have to look closer and take these situations more serious. And - if a strong woman can still be victimized without their friends knowing...women have to learn to speak up sooner and not feel ashamed. Easier said than done.

At 10/07/2009 1:21 PM, Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

This is horrible! I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy, and that you are so personally connected to the couple.

You cannot blame yourself, though. One thing I've learned in life is that people are very good at acting and deflecting. Don't be hard on yourself.

At 10/07/2009 4:55 PM, Blogger Sonja said...

That's chilling. And terrible.
(Word verification is uncul... almost uncool... even WV is sad!)

At 10/07/2009 6:18 PM, Blogger Vancouver Voyeur said...

I'm so sorry for the shock and sadness of this loss for you. I had a friend murdered by a boyfriend she was trying to breakup with. It's devastating to think anyone could do this, but usually it's when the abused person tries to leave that things get really violent. That's when the abuser snaps, believes he/she no longer has any control over the situation and no hope of getting through it. No one, who didn't come into my house on a daily basis, knew I was abused by my husband. He never hit me, he would yell and degrade me, breaking things around the house. I stayed until he physically went after the kids. Abusers are bullies and cowards. The only reason my ex never hit me was because he knew I was a fairly even match for him and as I told him in the heat of a fight when I could see he was considering hitting me, "go ahead, I might not win a fight against you, but I'll leave you a bloody mess with a lot of explaining to do." My nickname for him was "The Spin Doctor." He was all about public appearances and presenting a perfect image. He'd have a hard time explaining the damage I would have done to him. On one occasion he went after our 5 year old son when I'd only been out of the house for an evening class for just over an hour. The kids and I moved out of the house the next day. When I began divorce proceedings, people who I told about the abuse didn't believe it. His own sister, who I'd regularly called over the 7 years of our marriage to "talk him down" when I couldn't get through to him, sided with him and treated me like I was the one in the wrong. Another family member thought I should stay with him, "because what man doesn't yell on occasion, it's not like he hits you or anything." Too many people don't understand how battered you can become when you're hit with nasty, vicious, degrading words, hour after hour, day after day, year after year. I don't have any words to heal your pain, but as for the guilt, let it go. They both chose not to let you know about the abuse. When they both worked together to make things look normal, you didn't stand a chance of finding out. There was nothing you could have done.

At 10/07/2009 7:49 PM, Blogger tweetey30 said...

I was here last night and the first one to read this but I had to chew on the news before commenting. i was so angry at this man.. He left his son alone to deal with life and beat his mother and killed her.... Come on. I am still slightly up set with the thought. Jeff came up stairs last night and I was in tears and I made him read the article.I looked at him and told HIM I WAS GLAD HE DIDNT BEAT US!!!!!! I am sorry for another loss this year MOM.. this makes three if I am right. Or just two and your dad had surgery??? I am horrible with my memory lately..

At 10/07/2009 9:51 PM, Blogger Grizzly Mama said...

Terrible. I feel awful for that poor kid, too. I pray for him. Damn. Horrible thing to do.

This happens to many women escaping from abuse. A restraining order is just a piece of paper - that's all it is. The police can't camp at anyone's house 24/7.

At 10/09/2009 9:50 PM, Blogger Squirl said...

OMG ,that is so sad. I, too, hope the son gets help. Hope you're okay, too.

At 10/10/2009 9:59 AM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Very sad. Abuse, like alcoholism, is one of those hidden dirty secrets that the outside world sometimes doesn't know. It can be so hidden that their very own parents won't see it, or their best friends.

Some manage to keep it hidden. Some don't. Some are out in the open. Obviously, they kept it hidden.

I pray for their son, and hope he learns to break the cycle.

At 10/10/2009 10:01 AM, Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Oh my God. I didn't click the link until reading the comments.

At 10/11/2009 6:42 PM, Blogger Vest said...

If the lady was intelligent as you suspected, why did she hide the abuse knowing full well it had become habitual. Pride or fear of public redicule?
That guy needs a quick knee in the testemonials on each occasion he becomes aggressive.
She should degrade him in public when friends are in earshot.
Something like; "He only has a tiny willie winkle; but he does pay all the bills and the occasional beating is compensated by my many sexual encounters with the 200lb 6'3" thirty year old ex marine sergeant nicknamed donkey, who lives in the next block".

At 10/11/2009 6:49 PM, Blogger Vest said...

Sorry ladies, I don't have the leatherneck's address.

At 10/12/2009 12:23 AM, Blogger Gardenia said...

How sad and tragic. I can imagine that you are in shock! I can say a lot on this - as my daughters have been through abusive situations, one lucky to get out before the worse - I don't understand - this does often happen to women who hold responsible positions in society and are sharp, articulate. There are signs to look for, but so many women haven't been around this, and don't recognize it for what it is until it gets too late to get out. So so so sad.

At 10/16/2009 1:30 PM, Blogger Vancouver Voyeur said...

Are you okay?

At 10/19/2009 5:01 PM, Blogger tweetey30 said...

Hey like VV are you OK!!!! We are worried about you. I know you have had a plate full this last year and this maybe a blow but please, please let us know how you are doing. e-mail me if you need to..

At 10/22/2009 3:40 AM, Blogger Mike S said...

My wife & I work with young folks with kids, some married & some not, some gay, some straight, but they have a common thread that runs through all of the couples. Most have at least one of them that has or is suffering from domestic violence. They often come from abusive homes, but not always. One big stumbling block in seeking protection for many is their legal status, married can get help if they push hard enough. Unmarried have little or no help under the law.

This has been greatly aggravated here by one group that should be helping but won't, as to allow those couples legal status would, in their opinion, open the door to gay marriage. Gay marriage law passed with exemptions of all sorts to protect churches from going against their beliefs. Not enough, there's a citizen's refendum on the Nov ballot to repeal the law before it even takes effect. This is being led by several 'Christian' groups and folks hired by out of state anti-gay concerns, the LDS being one of several.

The politicos pass laws against domestic violence, but many of the remedies are iffy at best, making it difficult to make the complaining partner/family member to actually be safe. Until there is an effective remedy for addressing abuse as a major crime there will continue to be such sad situations.

Many who espouse Christ's teachings certainly don't act as he advised. To intentionally rail against all unmarried couples and their children is pure evil in my eyes. We just passed a new set of laws on Tribal Lands which imposes stiff sentences for even 1st (reported) instances if warranted. Sadly, these laws apply only on our lands and not the other citizens of the state.

The high unemployment rate, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and poor education are often big factors, especially true of an alarming percentage of repeat offenders. Another big problem is the reluctance of partners to accept that without a lot of effort on the part of many folks, the abuse will continue. Some are afraid or blame themselves, especially if they come from an abusive background.

One easy thing all folks can do is to speak up at every chance in every forum urging our leaders to enact strong, workable, flexible lawss that carry real penalties.

Sorry to ramble on so. Old Injun go be quiet now.

At 10/22/2009 2:47 PM, Blogger zydeco fish said...

That's truly awful. You can never tell, which should give everyone pause to reflect.

At 10/22/2009 3:41 PM, Blogger Vest said...

For those people who have Emailed me for the marine Sgts address pass the word along; " I don't have it, sorry".

At 10/27/2009 1:20 PM, Blogger Vancouver Voyeur said...

Don't make me get on the phone woman. *threatening glare* ;-)

At 11/02/2009 7:20 AM, Blogger Vest said...

I was surprised that Zom asked for his address. Really Zom?


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